Wow... Thinking about my weight-loss journey and how I'm super disappointed in myself, I realized that I'm a beautiful and strong person. This year has been wild, stressful, exciting, beautiful and by far the biggest year of my life. I am proud of myself, regardless of my size.

Let me backtrack...

Earlier this year, I fell off the fit-wagon because I was working 55+ hours a week at a desk job and trying to do photography as a hobby. I was on standby to fly out of state for a strike that never happened. I put my life on hold for my job. I was stressed out beyond belief and it really affected my health. I hated going to work. I hated coming home from work. I hated everything. My depression was made worse by the anxiety and stress from working too many hours, not getting enough sleep and not eating enough of the right foods (any food in general). I was spiraling even when I was trying to become healthy.

One day in March, I hit a wall. I was tired. I was burned out. I was full of regret and hurt. I was angry at the littlest things and miserable. I got a text from my husband saying that I could quit my job and we'd be fine on one income for a while. That stressed me out more than it excited me. I'm not a quitter. But yet, I had given up on everything else (see the problem there?). I felt stuck. I wasn't good at photography (or should I say, I was scared of going full-time because I couldn't get any clients) and I didn't want to lose the passion I had for it.

Later that week, I was told a position had become available for the new school year at a local private school. It was a low-income, secretary position. I knew I was desperate to get out of my job when I told my husband that I was willing to give up everything for a secretary position at a school (blasphemy -- I don't like children. Why would I do such a thing?). I updated my resume and emailed it to my mother-in-law and told her to pass it on to whomever needed it and not to recommend me. I'd hate to know the only reason I got the position was because of my name. Yes, I am that down on myself and yet proud enough to know that I deserve a chance. A few days later, I got a call from the school asking me to interview for the position. I was so nervous and excited. I was also anxious and scared. I went to the job interview and sat down. We had a little chat while everyone came in and then they asked me a couple of questions (not even job related) and asked me if I was ok with $$$ salary. I was shocked. They didn't want me as a secretary. They wanted me for my job skills. I became the IT Support for the school and a dual enrollment coordinator for the local colleges. I do some minor secretary stuff but I am most definitely not a secretary. My life changed. I became happier and more anxious than ever. I needed to keep my job for a few more months because we needed to pay off bills and a vacation we had already booked.

In May, I turned in my 3 week notice after coming back from the said vacation and both of my parent's hip surgeries (mom's was broken and dad's was planned). I had 4 panic attacks during those 3 weeks. I worked 60+ hours to wrap up projects because I couldn't bear dropping my work and burning bridges. I had never been so tired and sick as I was those weeks. I took a week off between jobs and started at the school on July 1st. It took me a few weeks to get out of my shell and relax. It was amazing but after 3 or 4 weeks, I was happier, my hair stopped falling out and I could sleep all night. The weight stopped gaining. The headaches disappeared. The stomach pains went away. I had two more panic attacks while I was destressing. It's like my body was trying to restart.

My hair started growing back (with some grays) and my skin is looking a little better. I haven't lost any weight (thanks to the school food) but it hasn't increased. My photography business has taken off too. Everything is better. I turned 25 in September and decided I was going to make this the best year ever. My sister had her baby in October and I'm the happiest Naddie in the world.

There's a lot still going on but I'm content... finally. I'm trying to come to terms with my body and get back into my healthy routines. I'm still in transition from all of the life changes but I feel great and eager to get back on track. I need to update my stats and pics and get new meal plans and workout plans. I'm thinking about going back to Paleo and Jamie Eason. They were a great set up for me so I think I'll give it another chance.

Comment below if you have some great recipes, tips or inspiration. Or if you'd just like to chat. ;)

xo-Madeline

Hey ya'll... I haven't posted in a few days. I was sick all last week with a sinus cold. It was so bad that I thought I had the flu!!! Thank goodness. But I was dying to get out of bed and workout but it hurt to breath and I couldn't stand eating anything so I figured it would be smart to not strain by body. ;)

Anyways, I woke up Monday morning, bright and early, and worked out. I started over my program since I missed a whole week. Plus, I didn't feel very confident about picking up where I'd left off when I was weak from being sick. I do not regret my decision at all! I've gotten up around 6 every day this week to workout. I got to the gym at 7 today and I realized, that's stupid! The college kids are there and all they do is sit on the benches and chat, or use the elliptical for their "lazy walks" (where they only walk fast enough to keep the machines on, lol).

Tomorrow is my rest day but I will go to the gym anyways. I do not feel like I am burning enough calories during these sessions and there's no cardio at all, so I will be doing strictly cardio tomorrow and Saturday! Plus, that will help reinforce my GOOD habits! I'm still learning a lot since I'm new to the program and all. I grew up working out so I've seen it all before but it's been years since I've completed the exercises and I was a lot smaller then too. I'm learning every day that my body cannot handle what I was able to do 3 years ago. And I'm struggling with eating! I've never had this much trouble with cravings and food. I think I'm going to do a strictly vegetarian style diet for a week or two then start adding meat. If I can start over with my fitness, surely I can start over with my meals?

We shall see! Happy Friday Eve to all. Here's a bit of motivation for ya!

So... I'm back. It's been a really long time since I posted anything on here. I lost track of my goals and all motivation. I must say, that's how New Year's Resolutions go. My 2013 resolution was to lose weight. I didn't. I lost for a few months and gained it back. That's how my year went. I eventually gave up. It sucks.

Now I'm back. I found a program on BodySpace in December 2013 and decided to not compromise myself by starting the 12-week program during the holidays. So, I started it on December 30th, 2013. I missed January 1st, 2013 due to the gym being closed but I did 2 days worth of workouts on January 2nd. Friday-Sunday were rest days. So far, so good. I woke up with a sinus cold so I missed my workout this morning but I'm going this evening.

The program I am currently on is Jamie Eason's Live Fit 12-week program. It can be found here: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/jamie-eason-livefit-trainer.html. It's a "Transform" program, meaning it is not a specific goal oriented program. It's a beginner program and is for all fitness levels. I like it because I've done most of the workouts before and it's easy to get back in the groove. It's good motivation to get to the gym too. I haven't started supplements yet but they're pretty much the usual: protein, creatine, cla, etc.

I really like the program so far. I didn't realize how out of shape I was until I tried to do pushups on Day 1. It was awful and I hurt all week! And Day 3: Leg day was difficult. I did squats for the first time in the rack since 2007. My knee was a bit aggravated but I was surprised it didn't hurt the day after. But my behind was very sensitive... Like, don't touch me, sensitive. LOL. I LOVE IT!

Anyways, I'll post the stats from those workouts later and restart my postings for this year. I am creating a "Life Organizer" which will include meals, exercise, cleaning, etc. I'm going to include a blog schedule so I can remember to post daily. I'm out with resolutions but I am starting a goal motivator. I'll include that in my posts. The goal motivator is a reward system I threw together last week. I'll create a post about it so you can create your own version.

Welcome to the year 2014. I hope it is challenging and rewarding and the biggest change of our lives.

It's a boring Monday afternoon at work. I feel like banging my head on my desk. Going bonkers since I have nothing to do. I finished my work for today and the only think I have left on my daily agenda can't be completed until I get some info tomorrow! Oh, the agony!

Anyways, I can't remember if I mentioned anything about Weight Watchers in my last post or not. So a brief update... I am on WW! I started WW back on August 23rd, weighing in at 242.5lbs. I weighed this morning and I was ~234 lbs (my actual weigh-in day is Friday mornings but I check on Monday to see if I did any damage over the weekend!). I was a bit concerned since my birthday was a few days ago and we've had small celebrations throughout the week/weekend. Nothing extremely crazy but I have had a few too many sweets.

I was sitting here, in my boredom, and thinking about the holidays that are coming up. There are a few birthdays, then Halloween (one of my favorite holidays), Thanksgiving (not a favorite) and Christmas (HUGE favorite). I'm not really big on the food side (except for the pies on Thanksgiving and a few sweet treats on Christmas). I'm not big on cooking so it's not something I'm excited about. I'm actually wondering how I'm going to make it through the holiday's on WW! My family is big on cooking for the holidays (I gained 5lbs over Labor Day weekend! No joking!) and I know there will be a lot of fattening food hanging around. It's kinda scary because I'm not very good with portion control and controlling my urges around food... Meaning, if my mom leaves out a appetizer or dessert, my stomach will ALWAYS be full. Not a good thing.

Luckily, my husband has been super supportive (more than ever) and is actually considering to join me in my endeavors! He says he can see my body changing (I'm positive it's just water weight or bloating or SOMETHING) and that it's convinced him that spending the money is worth it. I've been on WW for 1 whole month and have lost almost 10lbs! My goal for this month was to get to 232 lbs but I didn't think about my birthday when I made the goal so I'm not crushed about it. But I am starting to see that this is going to be harder than ever in the next couple of months. I'm actually a bit scared.

I am so happy that my size 14, black, skinny jeans from Express are too loose. I've had them 2 weeks and I'm already having to pin them in. I might actually have to alter them! The teal skinny jeans? Also loose! The white capris (same brand, style & size) as the teal skinny jeans? LOOSE! It's really exciting! My size 14, granny jeans (Levi brand) are starting to fit right (they were really tight in the waste a few weeks ago and I can now sit down without feeling like I'm going to bust a seam or pop a button). I have some old jeans that are size 32 (Kinda like Miss Me but without the details and a heck of a lot cheaper). Those are the one I'm trying to squeeze back in to first. I can put them on and button them but they're still tight and don't want to stay up (or on) when I sit down. I also have some Levi jeans that are size 15 juniors (And AE size 14 skinny jeans) that are super cute with boots. I am dying to get back into those so I can start wearing boots again! I know for sure that I can wear them at 200lbs. So that is my goal for this year. Weigh-in at 200 lbs on December 27th, 2013 (last Friday in 2013)!

SO, I've got a lot of researching to do. Healthy food, some new outdoor activities for my husband and I to do with my puppies, and some awesome habits. I am finally starting to feel good about myself again and I want to make sure it keeps working. I signed up for WW 3-month plan so I have to use it through November. If I continue to see positive results, I will keep going and pay whatever I have to get rid of this weight. I am so surprised this is working but it is. It's altering my habits for the better. And I am keeping the food choices clean! :)

Please comment with any tips or questions! I'd love to hear back from you!

Thanks! -Maddy Grace <3

Sorry... I just had to start out with some Lady Gaga lyrics. I've been going through some of my older music and her album went to the top of my play list. :)

So, it has been a while. I don't really like taking a break from blogging. I felt that I needed to though. It was great motivation and very inspirational but I felt like I was becoming obsessed and not in a healthy way. I was doing great for months then I hit rock bottom and began to binge on food. Some healthy (assumed but if you look at the nutritional facts/label, it's actually the opposite) and mostly unhealthy food. I gained back the 15 lbs I had lost plus a few (not many but my fat jeans were super tight!). Fall is around the corner so, naturally, I wanted to go shopping! School supply shopping (for my home office), shoe shopping, clothes shopping, home decor shopping, etc. But the sad thing is... I refused to let myself go shopping for any type of clothes. I was ashamed of myself and in denial. I would continue to wear clothes that didn't fit right or made me uncomfortable, in hopes that they would fit in a month or so. No wonder I hit rock bottom. I hated what I saw in the mirror and it overwhelmed me.

Grant urged me to find some jeans that fit and were comfortable (since I couldn't wear my jeans to work anymore and I was too embarrassed to show up in business clothes on Fridays). I found some pants that were my size (not the next size up) and made me feel good. I wasn't happy about it but the fact that I was able to fit into them made it ok. At least I have some cute pants for fall. Black skinny leggings from Express and some dark teal blue skinny jeans. I thought they were going to make me look horrible since I can't fit into my knee-high boots. But they look pretty good with my Toms so I kept them. They look even better with heels.

My focus is on being healthy and small goals. I was hoping for too much too fast. I decided that my long term goal was to get to 150lbs with no deadline. My short terms goals are a few lbs here and there. For instance, I want to be 233 by my birthday (September 19th = 7 days). I weighed in at 235.8 this morning. I have set a weekly date (every Friday morning) for my official weigh-in. Another goal I have is to be 200lbs by December 27th (last Friday in December) which is approximately 2lbs/week. I know it's a big goal but I need something to hold on to through the holidays. Plus, that will make me fit into some of my old clothes again, which is the ultimate Christmas gift to myself. I'll probably even buy myself a new pair of boots. ;) For the small goals, I usually will reward myself with something small, like some new makeup or cute jewelry from a local boutique store. My mid-size goals (mid-term weight or pants size goals) will be articles of clothing (like a top or jeans). My ultimate goal is a whole new wardrobe. New clothes that fit me and are not cheap. I would love to buy a gorgeous pair of Miss Me jeans.

This is a lot to think about and hope for. My husband has been helping me so much the past couple of weeks. In the last 3 weeks, I have lost 6.7 lbs. It's not a lot but it's a starting point. I can't wait to turn that into a 10lb loss or a 25lb loss.

Every once in a while, I think it's good to take a break or a hiatus in my case. This has been crucial for my will power. It left me shortly after my vacation and came back for about a week and left again. It really sucked. I know a good portion of my hiatus was due to depression. Just kicked me while I was down. No energy, no will, nothing. But I'm back. I've been eating pretty clean and staying active even though I haven't been to the gym but once a week. I haven't gained any more weight. Still stuck at 240 lbs.

I had a nice little heart to heart with my hubby tonight. I was depressed because I volunteered last week at a local camp for medical needs children. I had a great time but with all volunteer projects, there has to be proof and that means pictures! OMG! I have hit my low point! Mind you, the t-shirts ran small... Really small. I normally can wear a medium comfortably, and a large will be a little loose. I had to get a large and it was really tight. Not happy with it at all. The pic looks like it was stretched!

Anyways, after my little H2H with my hubby, he decided to give me an incentive (Sounds dangerous!). We went walking around the mall and I saw all of these super chic clothes that I would LOVE to have but I don't want to spend the money on clothes that I'm not happy with or hoping I won't fit in anymore. He agreed (we're both hoping that I'll lose a ton of weight). So, I'm not buying clothes (unless absolutely needed or work out clothes) until I lose weight. The incentive... If I lose 90-100 lbs by next year (no specific date in 2014), he will give me a dollar amount for an entire new wardrobe. Anything and everything I want/need. Plus, his side of the closet! ;) But I have to be 150lbs or less next year.

In order for me to help reach this goal, he has decided to help me (HALLELUJAH!!!). I have a major problem with energy. I'm not one to wake up easily or keep energy for long periods of time. It could be a number of factors: hormonal imbalance (not proven 100%), vitamin deficiency (proven but supplements don't help), depression (hereditary but not willing to take drugs), or any number of other things. So, in order to help me with my energy problem (no, he's not hooking me up with a caffeine drip), he's going to start waking me up super early (like, 5:30 AM), forcing me to wake up and work out and be at work on time. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'm not complaining. I'd love to be able to wake up and not want to stay in bed 24/7. I'd love to want to do things like go to work, work out, hang out with friends, etc.

So, I'm back. I have incentive to workout. I have motivation and will-power. I'm going to do this. And keep it off. I'm going to be healthy and fit and happy again. I have decided to try the 1000 challenge. Burn 1000 calories a day (without killing myself or starving). Since I am going to lose 100 lbs in a year, I'm going to have to increase my calorie burn (since it's stubborn fat). 100 lbs/ year = ~8.34 lbs/month = ~2 lbs/week. Healthy weight loss goal. So, 3,500 calories = 1 lb. That means, 7,000 calorie deficit /week. I don't eat much as it is. I can continue to keep my current food intake (possibly increase a little to keep energy) and burn 5,000 calories a week and meet my goal. It sounds drastic but I think it will work out nicely. Who knows, I might get hungry! So, good night for now. Looks like I have an early morning! :D

Just sitting around and bored out of my mind. I got to thinking about December. As a project manager, in June, we start focusing on the end of the year and what needs to be done in 2014. That got me thinking about my personal goals. Why is December so important to me? It's the end of the year. It's holds major holidays (mine being Christmas) and my husbands birthday (Christmas Day). It's cold. I could go on and on. But the thing that made Christmas time miserable for me last year was that I was unhealthy, unhappy, and super self-conscious! I've been struggling all year with my weight-loss journey. Having a hormone imbalance/PCOS-whatever makes things really hard. I was so unhappy last year that I didn't want to take a family Christmas picture for Christmas cards! And any pictures I did take were head shots, sitting & holding pillows or hiding behind someone else. I want to take pictures again. More like, enjoy being photogenic. I want to take pictures with my husband and my four legged fur baby and be content with where I am with my body. I don't want to be worried about how big my butt is or if my belly/back rolls are showing. Most people use vacation or summer as motivation. And it's good until your vacation has come and gone. Then everyone is so concerned with New Years' Resolutions that they waste time and money on crappy weight loss antics. Those resolutions hardly ever make it past January. You have to really want it to get it. Not focus on a date or thing to begin losing weight.

My goal is to be comfortable with my body by the time Christmas pictures need to be taken (probably November). I'm not sticking a number on it because a number is useless. You lose and gain so much that the number isn't an accurate measurement. I would use inches but I don't have a good estimate for that. So, I will go with pant sizes. I am still in a 14. Have been all year. It's just more comfortable now. My goal is to be in a 10-12 by Christmas. Those where the jeans I wore through college. I have big hips so I will never be a 2-4. I might be lucky to wear an 8 but I've never worn an 8 (that I can remember). So, I'm taking it one pant size at a time. Levi's brand (because I still own the size 12 Levi's I wore in high school and those were my fat jeans) will be the sizes I go by. I believe it's the 515 (don't hold me to that)? I will be so happy to fit back into those jeans (they made my butt look great).

SO... Christmas... You're mine. Watch out, I'm coming for you. And Thanksgiving, I'll be thankful but I won't show it by eating the food I'm thankful for. I will be donating a majority of food to the hungry and only keeping the healthy stuff. Keeping it clean like Jesus, the Nazarene! I think I need to make a t-shirt! ;)